I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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