and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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