My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
