I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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