I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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