Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize