I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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