I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
