Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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