Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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