I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
