I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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