Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
