I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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