The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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