I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize