I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
