u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
