Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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