Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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