I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
