its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
