I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
