I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
