I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Non-Jews are for practice
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
