how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
