I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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