every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
