with your own penis?
Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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