Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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