My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
