FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
