Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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