the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
