Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
