are you still at the devil's house?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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