I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
