you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
