She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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