the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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