I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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