How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize