When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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