Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize