Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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