dude i'm inner monologue high
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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