i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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