I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was confusing and full of hummus
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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