the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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