We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
