i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
They have beer where we have blood.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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