I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
