God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
