just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize