i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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