I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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