if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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