I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize