I met the friendliest cop last night
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
