I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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