i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
