My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
