i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
